وَعَاشِرُوۡهُنَّ بِالۡمَعۡرُوۡفِ
“Live with them (wives) in kindness.” (Surah An-Nisaa, v.19)
عَنْ عَائِشَةَ، رضى الله عنها، قَالَتْ: مَا ضَرَبَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم خَادِمًا وَلاَ امْرَأَةً قَط
Sayyidah Aishah رضى الله عنها narrates that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ never hit a servant or a woman. (Abu Dawud #4686)
The Noble Prophet ﷺ had eleven wives. Not a single wife suffered from physical or emotional/psychological abuse. He first married at the age of twenty-five. He departed for the next world at the age of sixty-three. For thirty-eight years, he never maltreated his wives.
Physical Abuse – is any act that causes injury or trauma by way of bodily contact. This includes but is not limited to the following: hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, etc. (https://nisahomes.com/blog/types-of-abuse/)
Emotional/ Verbal/Psychological Abuse – This type of abuse is subjecting the victim to behaviour that can result in psychological trauma, e.g. Constant Criticism/ Pointing out mistakes, Threats, etc. (https://nisahomes.com/blog/types-of-abuse/)
Spousal abuse is an epidemic that has permeated societies around the globe. No faith or ethnic group is immune from it. Muslims are no exception. The drive behind this behaviour is the desire to dominate and exercise power and control over the partner.
Spousal abuse can take many forms. Physical beating is the most well-known, but sometimes, a sharp tongue can pierce the heart to its core and shatter all dreams. Constantly criticizing, humiliating, excessively controlling, name-calling, gaslighting, isolating the spouse from family and friends, and withholding money are all forms of abuse. In the majority of cases, the husband is the abuser, but there have been cases where the wife is the perpetrator. Due to the dominant and intimidating behaviour of the abuser and the humiliation being endured by the victim, spousal abuse is underreported. In the end, the victim continues to suffer in silence.
Emulating the prophetic model in marital life will eradicate this evil practice. In the above hadith, Sayyidah Aishah رضى الله عنها was explicit in her description of the Noble Prophet ﷺ. He never hit a woman. In another narration, she reports:
عَنْ عَائِشَةَ، قَالَتْ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم: خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِي وَإِذَا مَاتَ صَاحِبُكُمْ فَدَعُوهُ
Sayyidah Aishah رضى الله عنها narrates that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “The best of you is the best to his family, and I am the best of you towards my family, and when your companion dies, leave him alone.” (Tirmidhi #3895)
عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ زَمْعَةَ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ:لاَ يَجْلِدُ أَحَدُكُمُ امْرَأَتَهُ جَلْدَ الْعَبْدِ، ثُمَّ يُجَامِعُهَا فِي آخِرِ الْيَوْمِ
Sayyiduna Abdullah bin Zam’ah رضى الله عنه narrates that the Nobel Prophet ﷺ said: “None of you should beat his wife as he would beat a slave and then to make love with her at the end of the day.” (Bukhari #5204)
A group of women came complaining to the Noble Prophet ﷺ, so the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Many women have circled Muhammad’s family complaining against their husbands. They (such husbands) are not the best among you.” (al-Azdi, Sunan Abi Dawud #2146)
فَقَالَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم: لَقَدْ طَافَ بِآلِ مُحَمَّدٍ نِسَاءٌ كَثِيرٌ يَشْكُونَ أَزْوَاجَهُنَّ لَيْسَ أُولَئِكَ بِخِيَارِكُم
Spousal abuse is a form of oppression. The path of redemption from this major sin requires the perpetrator seek forgiveness from his/her victim, followed by tawbah (repentance). If the abuser has not been forgiven, then Allah will settle all accounts of abuse on Judgement Day. The Noble Prophet ﷺ has depicted the settling of accounts in the following hadith:
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ: أَتَدْرُونَ مَا الْمُفْلِسُ؟ قَالُوا: الْمُفْلِسُ فِينَا مَنْ لاَ دِرْهَمَ لَهُ وَلاَ مَتَاعَ. فَقَالَ: إِنَّ الْمُفْلِسَ مِنْ أُمَّتِي يَأْتِي يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ بِصَلاَةٍ وَصِيَامٍ وَزَكَاةٍ وَيَأْتِي قَدْ شَتَمَ هَذَا وَقَذَفَ هَذَا وَأَكَلَ مَالَ هَذَا وَسَفَكَ دَمَ هَذَا وَضَرَبَ هَذَا فَيُعْطَى هَذَا مِنْ حَسَنَاتِهِ وَهَذَا مِنْ حَسَنَاتِهِ فَإِنْ فَنِيَتْ حَسَنَاتُهُ قَبْلَ أَنْ يُقْضَى مَا عَلَيْهِ أُخِذَ مِنْ خَطَايَاهُمْ فَطُرِحَتْ عَلَيْهِ ثُمَّ طُرِحَ فِي النَّارِ
Sayyiduna Abu Hurairah رضى الله عنه reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Do you know who is the needy? They (Sahaabah) said: ‘The destitute amongst us is one who has no dirham with him nor wealth.’ He (Prophet ﷺ) said: ‘The poor of my ummah would be he who would come on the Day of Resurrection with salat and fasts and zakat but he verbally abused this (person), slandered this (person) and unlawfully consumed the wealth of this (person) and shed the blood of this (person) and beat this (person). This one (victim) would be credited with his (perpetrator) good deeds, and (also) this (victim) with his (perpetrator) good deeds. If his good deeds fall short to clear the account, then their (all the victims) sins would be upon him (perpetrator) then he would be thrown into the Hell-Fire.’” (Muslim #2581)
Our role model is the Beloved Prophet ﷺ. Mother of the Faithful, Sayyidah Aishah رضى الله عنها describes him as someone who was never rude or obscene (Tirmidhi #2016). He would praise Sayyidah Safiyyah’s رضى الله عنها cooking (حيات طيبہ اور معاندين کے اعتراضات pg. 249). Once, while on a journey, he sat beside his camel and lowered his knee to support her in mounting the camel. Sayyiduna Anas bin Malik رضى الله عنه reports: “He then sat beside his camel and put his knee down for Safiyyah so she could put her foot on it to mount.” (Bukhari #4211) When drinking water from a bowl, he would place his blessed mouth on the same spot Sayyidah Aishah رضى الله عنها had put her mouth. (Sunan an-Nasa’i #279) Sayyidah Aishah رضى الله عنها says: “The Prophet ﷺ never filled his stomach. When he was with his family, he did not ask them for food or desire it. If they fed it to him, he ate. He accepted whatever they served him and drank whatever they gave him to drink.” ( Kitab Ash-Shifaa, v. 1 pg. 74)
Following the sunnah is the key to a harmonious and healthy marriage. This applies equally to husband and wife. The prophetic character is the model to follow for every couple. When the couple inculcate the prophetic traits of mercy, love, gentleness, respect, etc., towards each other, they will taste the true sweetness of marriage.
by Mawlana Mushtaq Shaikh, Imam Masjid Bilal
References
حيات طيبہ اور معاندين کے اعتراضات March 2016مجلہ بحث و نظر
al-Azdi, Abu Dawud Sulayman Ibn al-Ash’ath. Sunan Abu Dawud
Al-Bukhari, Abu Abd Allah Muḥammad ibn Ismail ibn Ibrahim ibn Al-Mughirah ibn al-Bardizbah. Sahih Bukhari
al-Nasa’i, Aḥmad ibn Shu’ayb ibn Ali ibn Sinan Abu Abd ar-Raḥman. Sunan an-Nasa’i
al-Naysaburi, Muslim bin al-Hajjaj. Saheeh Muslim
al-Tirmidhi, Muhammad ibn Isa. Jami’ Tirmidhi
https://nisahomes.com/blog/types-of-abuse/ 23 07 2024.
https://nisahomes.com/blog/types-of-abuse/ 26 July 2024.
عياض, قاضى أبو الفضل. كتاب الشفاء بتعريف حقوق المصطفى. 3rd. Vol. 1. مؤسسة الكتب الثقافية, 2001. 2 vols.