The Past and Marriage: What Truly Matters?

وَيۡلٌ لِّكُلِّ هُمَزَةٖ لُّمَزَةٍ

“Destruction be for every person who searches for faults (in others; the scandal-monger) and who mocks (the Mu’mineen).” (Surah al-Humazah, 1)

Saalih ibn Karz narrates, “I once brought before Hakam ibn Ayyoob a slave girl of mine who had fornicated. I was sitting there when Sayyiduna Anas ibn Malik رضى الله عنه arrived and sat down as well. ‘O Saalih!’ he asked, ‘Who is this slave girl with you?’ I replied, ‘She is my slave girl who has fornicated, and I wish to have her case brought before the governor so that she may be punished.’ Sayyiduna Anas ibn Malik رضى الله عنه said, ‘Do not do that. Rather, take your slave girl back home. Fear Allah ﷻ and conceal her folly.’ When I refused to do as he instructed, he said, ‘Do not go ahead and do as I say.’ He then continued insisting until I eventually took her back” (Kandhalwi 439).

Every Muslim brother and sister is honourable in the sight of Allah ﷻ. Many ahadith emphasize the importance of concealing the faults of fellow Muslims and strictly forbid exposing their sins. The prohibition against backbiting and slander serves to protect and uphold the honour and dignity of every Muslim. To err is human, but a true believer repents sincerely for their wrongdoing. The Most Merciful conceals the sins of His servants and does not expose them to others. This divine veil is a blessing, and believers are encouraged to maintain it and keep their sins private as they turn to Allah ﷻ in earnest repentance.

What Allah ﷻ has concealed, no one should pressure or coerce a person into disclosing. Confession of one’s sins is a private matter, undertaken sincerely between the servant and Allah ﷻ alone. Human beings are naturally prone to mistakes, especially in their youth and early adulthood. As a person matures, they often carry sincere, heartfelt remorse and deep regret for their past decisions. They repent sincerely and seek forgiveness from the Most-Forgiving. Through Allah’s Mercy, they are now regarded as though the sin had never been committed. Once the sin is forgiven, it is erased permanently from the book of deeds. Allah ﷻ will not hold the person accountable for it on Judgment Day. This reflects the boundless mercy of Allah ﷻ. For this reason, it is generally not permissible to disclose one’s past sins, even to a prospective spouse. Likewise, one should refrain from questioning others about matters that Allah ﷻ has concealed, such as a history of impermissible intimate relationships.

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏: التَّائِبُ مِنَ الذَّنْبِ كَمَنْ لاَ ذَنْب

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “The one who repented from sin is like one without sin.” (Sunan Ibn Maajah, 4250)

If there is a concerning matter that would significantly impact the marriage or the marital rights of the prospective spouse, then disclosure would be necessary. If such matters are concealed prior to the nikah and the affected spouse later becomes aware of them, this may constitute grounds for seeking an annulment or dissolution of the marriage due to deception or harm (Qasmi). Examples may include sexually transmitted diseases or other conditions that negatively impact marital rights and expectations.

Under the guise of transparency, prospective grooms may disclose aspects of their past, sometimes including illicit relationships. Some may even present these experiences as a form of personal growth, expecting their prospective spouse to accept them without concern. In Islam, true manhood is not found in boasting about one’s sinful past, but in sincere repentance and emulating the noble character of the honourable Prophet ﷺ. Publicizing sins, especially those that Allah ﷻ has concealed, is neither virtuous nor wise. Masculinity lies in humility, taqwa, emulating the Prophet ﷺ and the strength to reform, not in using past transgressions as credentials. The Prophetic Sunnah teaches us that dignity is preserved through modesty and that the believer’s past, once repented for, should remain between them and Allah ﷻ.

Men and women are equally accountable in the court of Allah ﷻ. Yet in the author’s experience, spanning over twenty years in listening to brothers, sisters and couples who are predominantly South Asian, a harmful double standard, especially towards women, does exist. If a man “had a past”, it would be easily forgiven and forgotten. In contrast, if a woman had a past, she would be unfairly judged, labelled as unchaste, and her reputation would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to restore, even if she had repented. This is not Islamic justice.

Individuals have described situations in which a spouse spent significant time searching for evidence of past misdeeds, often combing through years of social media posts or using advanced technical skills to uncover old messages. The information discovered was then weaponized to exert control and dominate the relationship. Seeking out the faults of others, or tajassus, is a major sin.

يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱجۡتَنِبُواْ كَثِيرٗا مِّنَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعۡضَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِثۡمٞۖ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُواْ وَلَا يَغۡتَب بَّعۡضُكُم بَعۡضًاۚ أَيُحِبُّ أَحَدُكُمۡ أَن يَأۡكُلَ لَحۡمَ أَخِيهِ مَيۡتٗا فَكَرِهۡتُمُوهُۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ اللهَ إِنَّ اللهَ تَوَّابٌ رَّحِيمٌ

“O you who have Imaan! Refrain from excessive assumption (suspicion and assuming evil things about people without verification). Verily, some assumptions are a sin. Never spy (on people) and never backbite each other. Do any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother, which you so detest? Fear Allah. Allah is Most Pardoning, Most Merciful.” (Surah al-Hujuraat, 12)

What truly matters is sincere repentance, not gender-based judgment. Allah’s ﷻ justice does not differentiate between males and females. Everyone will be held equally accountable in the court of Allah ﷻ, based on truth rather than societal bias. Our standards should reflect that divine justice.

In Islamic law, every Muslim man and woman is presumed to be chaste unless proven otherwise. If someone accuses another of fornication, the accuser must provide witnesses to prove the crime. If unable, the accuser has committed an enormity, slander. This crime of violating another believer’s honour is a punishable offence, and anyone who accuses chaste believing women of fornication and lewdness is accursed in this world and the next life (Surah al-Nur, 23). According to Imam Abu Hanifah رحمة الله عليه, an unmarried woman who has committed fornication is still legally considered a bikr (a virgin or one who has not been married) (Al-Jaziri 22). His ruling underscores the importance of preserving a Muslim’s honour, especially after repentance.

If the potential wife decides not to disclose details of her past, it would be impermissible to interpret that decision as guilt or a sign of wrongdoing. Baseless suspicions and harbouring evil thoughts about others without clear evidence are strictly prohibited and categorically forbidden in Islam. It is from one of the enormities. Islam encourages believers to hold positive assumptions about others.

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم‏: إِيَّاكُمْ وَالظَّنَّ، فَإِنَّ الظَّنَّ أَكْذَبُ الْحَدِيثِ

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the most false of speech.” (Saheeh Bukhari, 6064)

It is expected that a person conduct due diligence and inquire into the prospective spouse’s understanding of gender boundaries, religious commitment, modesty, lifestyle, character, and matters that may directly impact marital relations. However, prying into past sins that Allah has concealed, expecting or demanding confessions, or investigating matters that a person has sincerely repented from falls under tajassus (prying secretly into the faults of others), which is prohibited.

At the same time, matters involving ongoing harm, health concerns, or issues that will negatively affect a spouse’s rights may require honest disclosure. These matters should be approached with wisdom and fairness. Examples may include sexually transmitted diseases, serious illnesses (mental or physical), current addictions, genetic disorders that may affect offspring, adult criminal records, deportation orders, or other matters that would significantly impact the marriage or the rights of the prospective spouse. In such cases, the onus is upon the affected individual or their parents to exercise honesty and transparency.

If disclosures do occur, they should be handled with professionalism, maturity, and the utmost confidentiality, while avoiding unnecessary probing into explicit or irrelevant details.

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم: ‏‏ الْمَجَالِسُ بِالأَمَانَةِ

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Meetings are confidential.” (Sunan Abi Dawud, 4869)

The discussions and disclosures that take place in such meetings an amanah (trust) and must be treated as confidential. Sharing or publicizing sensitive and private information disclosed in confidence would violate that trust and may amount to sin.

In the author’s experience, premarital genetic screening and premarital medical testing, including testing for sexually transmitted diseases, have occasionally arisen during marriage discussions. If prospective spouses mutually wish to pursue such testing, then in the author’s opinion, both parties should undergo the same test and be equally prepared to share the results with one another. It would be unjust to demand such testing from only one party while exempting the other.

Sha’bi narrates that a woman was once punished for a crime of immorality. She repented sincerely. Her tribe arrived as immigrants in Madinah, and in time, she received a marriage proposal, but her uncle disapproved of proceeding without first informing the people about her past. At the same time, he disliked disclosing her secret. When he consulted Sayyiduna Umar رضى الله عنه about the matter, Sayyiduna Umar رضى الله عنه said, “Get her married as you would get any of your righteous girls married” (Kandhalwi 438).

When men are considering marriage, their focus should be on a woman’s present character, her commitment to grow in faith, and her readiness for marriage, not on suspicions, hearsay, or past mistakes that have been sincerely repented for. Once Allah ﷻ grants forgiveness, it is not permissible for anyone to reopen the door to a sin that He has already closed. Genuine repentance erases all sins, and Allah ﷻ loves those who turn to Him in humility and seek His forgiveness. This divine principle applies equally to believing men and women: both are entitled to privacy, dignity, and the right to move forward without being chained by a forgiven past.

Our life’s mission is to seek the pleasure of Allah ﷻ, as demonstrated by His Messenger ﷺ. This requires us to abandon societal biases and cultural practices that are not aligned with this guidance, and to pray for love and mercy between couples, which are gifts from Allah ﷻ.

وَجَعَلَ بَيۡنَڪُمْ مَّوَدَّةً وَّرَحۡمَةً‌ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَالِكَ لَأَيَـٰتٍ لِّقَوۡمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُوْنَ

“And He has placed love (most clearly seen during youth and adulthood) and mercy (most clearly appreciated during old age) between you. There are certainly signs in this for people who contemplate.” (Surah ar-Rum, 21)

When our standards in the sacred union of marriage reflect the justice and mercy of Allah ﷻ, this will attract divine blessings, and Allah ﷻ will grant the couple a taste of the eternal bliss in this temporary world. At the same time, they strive together to seek the infinite happiness in the everlasting world to come.

by Mawlana Mushtaq Shaikh, Imam, Masjid Bilal

Bibliography

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